You were always on my mind....

Lately I’ve been trying to wrap my head around mental illness. Ironic, I know. Something that exists in that small, wonderful but at times troubled space for so many, I thankfully cannot comprehend.

Life’s been a challenge at times. Certainly there have been ups and downs. I cannot think of a time that a darkness has consumed me though. Self hatred and doubt have come to call in my life but never hung around.

For that I feel blessed.

I have family members who have battled mental illness and I admit at times I’ve approached it with ignorance rather than acceptance. Maybe it’s a protective mechanism. If I don’t acknowledge or embrace that part of them, it won’t be there. But it is. And it will be there. Whether we talk about it or talk around it.

I remember in my final semester of university taking Adult Psychology. One of the subjects we spent some time on was depression and mental illness in adults. My professor was of the school of thought that depression was highly over diagnosed. He prescribed to the idea that from his experience as a counselor, his patients seeking help to overcome depression needed to find balance in their diet, exercise routine, sleep patterns and charitable efforts. He felt that the presence of those four variables in balance would help alleviate depression.

Seems simple. I don’t think it is. If it was that cut and dry, I don’t believe I’d be writing this, mulling over the monsters of mental illness. Were it that simple, I don’t think people with seemingly so much promise would fall so far they felt their only out was escaping mortality.

In the last month I’ve spent a significant amount of time reading about mental illness. Hearing the accounts of those who have battled it. I still don’t understand it but think I’m getting closer.

I think that’s a start. I found from some readings on my church’s web site that the biggest thing loved ones of those battling depression and mental illness can do is love, support and don’t judge. I cringe as I recall times I’ve thought “Why can’t they just snap out of it?” Because there is no magic switch. Not yet at least.

The best line I’ve found is in an article I read on lds.org. It sums up the ‘snap out of it’ approach. We wouldn’t say that to a cancer patient. Likewise we shouldn’t apply it to those suffering mental illnesses. Like with cancer, there are treatments and approaches to overcoming depression and mental illness but there’s no cure. Yet.

From what I’ve read, depression brings a feeling of hopelessness. There is a never-ending search for self-blame. Those who suffer may seem to have a world of opportunity before them but they’re stuck trying to look behind and find a reason for the hurt that surrounds them.

That darkness. I can’t imagine it. Seeking for a truth that doesn’t exist must be exhausting. Damaging sometimes beyond repair. Is it because we’re of a society of justice—an eye for and eye? A felon deserves jail time because they broke the law. A person suffering through mental illness tries to justify their agony for some past wrong. But there isn’t one. Nobody deserves that cloud of despair as a constant companion.

Shamefully I’ve tried to find reasons too. They’re feeling that way because they did this or that. This train of thought needs to end. The more we, as a whole, seek to understand and empathize the better off everyone will be. Why waste energy seeking someone or something to place the blame? Spend energy learning to be patient, loving and supportive.

It’s easy to say but I know I fall into the trappings of just wanting happiness to be the presiding authority in the lives of all those I love. It can be, I believe. With time, I believe those far more gifted than I will find the right medications to help repair chemical imbalances and other factors that help result in mental illness. Support systems will be more supportive and less cynical. Maybe one day we’ll get to the point where we can look back at mental illness because we once took the time to look it in the face.

Until that day, I hope to employ a thought that is as powerful to me today as it was when I first heard it as a teenager: look for the good in others rather than seeking out the bad. We don’t know the inner workings of our neighbors. Don’t be quick to judge but be fast to love.

The same man who taught me that also said: “Do not be discouraged because you cannot learn all at once; learn one thing at a time, learn it well, and treasure it up, then learn another truth and treasure that up.”

I don’t understand depression or most mental illnesses. I want to though. I want the pain and suffering of so many to end. So I’ll learn one thing at a time and hope others will join the crusade so that one day we can look back at those monsters, and ahead to full lives of realized opportunities.

Wake me up...when September ends.

Ever since Green Day came out with that single, it's been a mainstay in my transitioning from my favourite season--summer--to my least favourite season--fall. Maybe it's because my entire life September has meant heightened workloads and in turn, stress. From 1989-2002 it was school. Then when I started university in 2003 it was more school. Naturally, I started working towards being a teacher--couldn't stay away from the fall blahs. Then I ended up at a job that CRUSHES you in September. Glutton for punishment I guess.

I think the hardest part about fall in the Northwest is getting used to more darkness and rain. Not a fan of either...

This fall I've tried to make the best of it. Taylor Swift coming to Vancouver didn't hurt. Me and my good friend Michelle got tickets and had the best time! We had really good seats and Taylor put on a great show.




That whole week was pretty great. Sterling had been out of town at his younger brother's wedding the previous weekend--Labour Day weekend. While he was in South Carolina, I stayed home to soak up as much sun as possible while I did some work from home. I wish I'd been able to make it to South Carolina but was so glad Sterling got to see his brothers and parents. And meet his new sister Amy!





Speaking of sisters named Amy...the Monday after Sterling got back, my sister Amy and her family came over to Vancouver. Cousins from California also happened to be in town so we all got together for a barbecue at Auntie Jan and Uncle Al's. Such a great night! The big kids (me, Sterling and our cousin Andrea) got in some trampoline action with the little ones (Josh, Avalayne, Jade and Elizabeth).



We had good food and great company. I'm always reminded of how much I love my family when I spend time with them. I remember as a kid discussing adulthood with my cousin Leanne. We didn't understand how our parents didn't spend any time with their cousins. Much of our childhood summers were spent together. We would often talk about how we wouldn't let that change. So far we've done pretty well at staying in touch. Sterling and I love hanging out with Leanne and her family. It's always a treat when her husband Mike gets time off work to come up to Canada for games and good times. One of our favourite games, Rook, is great at bringing family together (although sometimes it pulls us apart).

We love hanging out with all of our cousins. Later in that week we had an awesome time playing games with our cousins Jeff and Heleena while they visited from California. It's such a treat any time Heleena's around. She's awesome and always down for a good games night and has perfected Grammie's recipe for Lazy Daisy cake.

I can't imagine life without my family. We're all different yet share some key commonalities. One of the common threads I find is a love for competition. I think we come by it naturally. I remember as a kid loving the back closet at Grammie's house. It was packed to the brim with boardgames. During the day us cousins would play those games--Sorry, Clue, Ratrace, Monopoly and more. At night, the adults would pull out Rook. I never understood the game or the appeal as a kid. My how things have changed.

I hope we can continue that tradition of wholesome fun with our own kids. Time will tell.

Summer Lovin'

September is here. It's hard to believe that 'summer' flew by so fast. Summer--I hardly knew you! Weather has been a major topic of discussion since June here in the Northwest...mostly because sunshine and somewhat hot temperatures uncharacteristically never really made an appearance.

Thankfully there were moments of summer though..like on my little sister's wedding day. Her wedding was outside and Sterling and I were in the wedding party. So grateful it was sunny but not too hot.

That same weekend we got to spend some time with some dear friends. We had dinner with our friends Annamieke and Aaron. They actually rode some sweet cruisers down to the restaurant and kindly let us take a ride around the streets of downtown Duncan, BC. We love hanging out with Mieke and Aaron and wish the visits weren't so few and far between.




Aaron and Sterling actually raced us home afterwards. They took the bikes. We took the car. We only beat them by about a minute. Those were some wheels! After the bike ride, another friend, Kristy, met up with us even though she'd had a crazy long week. We all walked/rode (only two bikes) to Wal Mart for snacks. It almost felt like we were back in middle school all over again. It sure was great to see them and play cards and chat into the wee hours of the morning. What wasn't so cool was getting to my mom's and being locked out after. Nobody answered our knocks so we just drove right to the ferry to head back to Vancouver..at 3 a.m.

The following weekend we planned to return to Vancouver Island for more adventures. Unfortunately we weren't the only ones with that plan. There were crazy sailing waits. So we decided to go on our own adventure on the mainland...

We paddled from Pitt Meadows to Widgeon Creek Campsite. We saw a ton of herons along the way. It was a really pretty paddle. We ended up meeting a really nice newlywed couple once we got to the campsite--Sean and Chantel. They were the only ones there when we arrived and we found out they didn't have any firewood. We'd brought a bundle so when it came time to make a fire we asked if they wanted to join us. We ended up chatting until 2 a.m. Who knows if we'll ever see them again but we sure had a great night shooting the breeze.




After a late night we woke up to hike to a nearby waterfall. The bugs were incredible! We ended up running most of the way there and back just to avoid the pestering black flies. Once we got there, Sterling bravely made his way to the top of the falls. It was a great trip!




That was sort of our last hoorah for the summer before life got back to 'normal'. In all our adventures we hadn't been able to spend too much time with our good friends, the Johnsons. We quickly rectified that on the Monday. The four of us got together and went out for some Chinese food. The real adventure started after when Michelle and I made a blueberry pie. Michelle made the best crust I've ever had (sorry Grammie)! Afterwards she admitted it was her first pie. Thanks to cooking shows I guess!


As we waited for the pie to bake, we all played a game of Rook--girls against boys. The very first hand, the boys pulled off an amazing 300 hand. That means they didn't lose a single trick the entire hand. Michelle and I were a little suspicious because the boys had dealt while we were finishing up in the kitchen. Brandon had the best hand I'd ever seen (sorry Leanne). Apparently they didn't rig it though.

Michelle and I pulled off a huge comeback though and ended up winning the game. In the very last hand, Sterling thought he had us. He played a card he thought would win but Michelle actually had a better card. After the game was over and we'd won, Sterling recounted how he'd been feeling when he played that card. He even had a victory dance ready for the moment--he showed it to us after.



The next night, Sterling and I went to the Josh Groban concert at Rogers Arena. I was able to get four tickets and invited our cousin Michelle to come. We had a great time. Sterling had to come late because he had a church meeting but we both got to see one of our favourite songs "You Raise Me Up". Josh Groban was really funny--self described as neurotic. He spoke so fast and was quite witty. Sterling especially loved that when asked what he would choose as his life's theme song he said the song from Star Wars. It was the perfect end to a great summer!

The Miracle of the Dolphins

Today Sterling and I got up at the crack of dawn partially with a purpose and partially because of Sterling’s active dreaming. For the first time in our married life, Sterling’s night visions led to him physically hitting me. First he kicked me just after 2 a.m. then just before 6 a.m. he punched me in the arm and slapped me in the mouth simultaneously. Turns out that’s what happens when he dreams he’s playing basketball. Or maybe he was just so excited about the upcoming day’s events. We’d booked a snorkeling trip for one of our last days in Hawaii and that day had finally arrived.

We were staying in Kihei and had to travel to a nearby town to where the boat would launch. By 8:30 a.m. we were enjoying continental breakfast on the high seas. Within a half hour we moored at Molokini., the top of a partially submerged volcanic crater. That’s when the fun really began. The reefs offered a plethora of sea creatures.

The friendliest, the black triggerfish, swam right up to our masks. Thankfully an infant shark didn’t show the same fortitude. When I spotted it I naturally called Sterling’s attention to it then followed it until it disappeared from view. Seemed like the smart thing to do after watching hours of “Shark Week” on Discovery Channel. If I learned anything in my invested time it was that sharks don’t actually want to hurt humans. Although Soul Surfer led me to believe otherwise.

At any rate, we survived the close encounter with the shark and took in the colorful medley of coral, urchins, eels and more fish than Pike Place. After an hour sailed by, we were summoned back to the boat. On to the next adventure. Unfortunately for Sterling, the trip was less than enjoyable. Early in our snorkeling expedition he’d somehow inhaled a ton of sea water (his least favourite flavour at the best of times). Apparently that experience lingered as his face washed white within minutes of us getting back on the boat.

If anybody knows me, they know I HATE puking. Hate it. If someone around me says they feel sick, I automatically become Mrs. Fix-It. I’ve done a lot of research on how to alleviate nausea because for years, I refused to throw up. It became something of a skill albeit ridiculous (just ask my Mom or Grammie).

Anyways, we gave up our seats down below and spent the duration of the hour and a half trip on the upper deck. I spent the majority of our trip scanning the seas for any sign of dolphins we’d been assured would be there. Anything to distract me from my sick husband. Thankfully, Sterling never lost his lunch, in fact he kept new food down. Needless to say though, by the time we got to Lanai (Lan-ay-ee) we were both eager to get out of the boat and into the water.

Immediately Sterling and I broke away from the group (there were about 125 fellow snorkelers onboard). We were rewarded for our initiative. We came across a massive school of yellow angelfish and coasted along with them until a rainbow fish caught our fancy. This continued for the next hour then it was time to head out again. Thankfully this time though Sterling hadn’t recently inhaled a lungful of sea water.

We headed out and this time I was eager to get us up on the top deck again. First of all, a woman right next to our seats had a clear plastic bag on her lap for her bout with sea sickness, and secondly, we hadn’t seen any dolphins yet.

Settled in for the hour and a half leg of our return trip, I strained for any sign of a dorsal fin or splashing in the distance. Every white cap got my heart racing. After 45 minutes of searching in vain, I threw out a hail mary. I said a quick prayer. “Father, please help us see some dolphins”.

Even as I said amen, I thought this was a wasted prayer. First of all, there are much more important and prayer worthy things in the world. Drought in Africa, nations recovering from natural disaster and rioting. And here I am, uttering a prayer about my desire to see dolphins.

I quickly discarded my regret for uttering the prayer and tried to use the time to have some quality conversation with Sterling. He clearly wasn’t having it (I later found out he was still feeing quite sick) so I found myself a little downtrodden and naturally my eyes reverted to the water just below me.

As I stared at the waves splashing below me I started thinking about prayers and answers to prayers. I argued to myself that Heavenly Father can only answer prayers when we have faith and are obedient. I’d been struggling with both lately in my opinion. I had let so many important things slip lately. My temple attendance was abysmal if it existed at all. When I did go, I did so with a poor attitude and with little preparation. Though I read scriptures daily, my scripture study had suffered greatly over the course of a year and a half. My prayers were casual and infrequent. Worst, I felt so inferior and inadequate in my current church calling. I felt I wasn’t doing enough and was letting so many people down. My visiting teaching had become a chore and my competitive spirit had turned to a vindictive enmity in every game I played.

With these thoughts of guilt and inferiority running through my head I assured myself that Heavenly Father could not answer my simple prayer because blessings come to those who are obedient. Not slackers with decent intentions.

Just as my guilt turned to embarrassment for even wasting Father’s time the darndest thing happened. Suddenly a gray shadow appeared in my line of sight. Then another one. In an instant I recognized it was two dolphins swimming at the bow of the boat. I started nudging Sterling, saying “Dolphins! Dolphins!” Then reached for my camera just as the pair disappeared from view. I turned behind me and told others there were dolphins and could feel a rush of people flocking to where I stood. Then I returned my gaze to where the pair had appeared and saw….nothing.

Earlier in the day I’d read that spinner dolphins would often swim in the wake of a boat because it was easier than fighting the currents. I looked at the stern of the boat and again, nothing.

Within minutes the naturalist on board came to me and asked what I’d seen. He asked if I’d seen the body and the head. Thinking he wanted me to identify the dolphins, I admitted that I couldn’t tell what kind of dorsal fin they had and whether they had blunt or narrow snouts. He asked again if I saw the body and the head and I said yeah, but the woman at the front of the boat probably saw more because she was closer. He said he thought it was just a shark that we’d seen because usually dolphins will float to the stern of the boat and trail in the wake.

I told him it wasn’t a shark but a dolphin and he just dismissed it and walked away.

Then it hit me.

Heavenly Father had so kindly, mercilessly and graciously answered my prayer. Even though I didn’t deserve it. What were the odds that we would leave our seats and stand in that precise spot and stop scanning the seas and look immediately below us at that time?

In a split second, the dolphins appeared then were gone. Had we not been looking at that spot at that very time, I wouldn’t be writing this. Tears came to my eyes as I expressed gratitude to my loving Heavenly Father. Even though I’d put Him and His work on the farthest back burner, He hadn’t forgotten nor forsaken me.

Then I started thinking about Joseph Smith, the first prophet of this last dispensation in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Three of us out of 149 on the boat had seen the dolphins. Sterling and the other woman admitted they’d only seen gray animals and weren’t sure what they’d seen. Sterling was without his glasses though and the woman spoke only Spanish so I wasn’t sure they were the best witnesses.

I knew I’d seen two dolphins though. I knew it and could not deny it or be persuaded to think otherwise. This naturalist could doubt all he wanted because the dolphins didn’t follow their typical style of play with the boat. I knew that I had seen those dolphins because Heavenly Father had answered a simple prayer.

I thought of Joseph Smith in that moment. There he was, a young boy. He had seen God the Father and His son, Jesus Christ. He knew it, he knew God knew it, and he could not deny it. Yet many of those he told ridiculed him and doubted him. As I looked out at a spanning sea under an azure sky I felt so much love and appreciation for Joseph Smith and for our Creator who was at the helm of it all. He is the one driving everything. I may have lost sight of that somewhere along the way but the miracle of the dolphins, a simple moment, renewed my faith and desire to be a little better, do a little more and serve a little stronger. And for that, I am thankful.

Sunshine and lollipops..and other forms of sugar.

The sun finally arrived!! Just in time for a mini family reunion.

This weekend, Herringtons converged on Victoria, BC, for a family member's wedding reception (open house). Part of the clan had come up from Arizona and for the weeks leading up to this mini reunion I was afraid they would freeze but thankfully summer finally made an appearance. It was great to see everyone. It's funny how time makes the cycles of life more compact. I remember as a kid thinking that the older cousins were so much older! After spending 24 hours with those same cousins, I feel like we're all around the same age now with many cousins sharing the same life experiences.

It was great to see the cousins' kids repeating the cycle too. They frolicked and played all morning and afternoon. Meanwhile, the older cousins mixed and mingled and survived a few intense games of Rook. My cousin Julie also introduced a card form of Monopoly that is fast and was a family favourite by the end of our first (and only) night together. Sterling kept asking if we could play it so we'll have to go track down a deck of the game before our trip to Hawaii in a couple of weeks.

We both love playing games. Even though my ultra competitive spirit really sucks the fun out of it at times. Somehow he keeps coming back for more. One of our favourites has been Rook. It's a good fallback but we've been exploring new options lately, especially when our American cousins come for a visit. Any suggestions for a good game? Favourites?

More time

Summer vacation+rain=movie night(s).

Two nights ago, Sterling surprised me by renting The Time Traveler's Wife. We'd been meaning to see it for ages but just hadn't, possibly because we'd heard mixed reviews but mostly because we hadn't really made time for movie nights.

I'm a huge Rachel McAdams fan but went in with lowered expectations, which is maybe why I actually really liked it.

For one, it got me thinking about the people I love. Time is something I definitely take for granted. When life gets busy (and by life I typically mean work/church) I find myself removing important things from my schedule. I don't have time for talking, exercising, playing and enjoying life.

This next year, no matter how busy 'life' gets, my goal is to find a good balance. My dear friend KSum has taught me a bit about this recently. It's well and good to be fully engaged in working and striving to be successful in that area of your life, but it's also important to say 'yes to the rest'. Not to say any of us should aim to burn the candle at both ends but don't turn away a night with friends because vegging in front of the TV for the first time in weeks sounds more appealing.

Speaking of TV, there's a beer commercial that actually resonated with me in recent months. It depicts Mr. Yes and Mr. No essentially. Naturally, Mr. Yes had a lot more fun. While I agree in part, I do think there's a need to balance between Mr. Yes and Mr. No (or in this case, Mrs.). The couch, TV and crappy (albeit strangely entertaining) television programming will be there when you get home. The moments with friends might not. Make memories not regrets. That's my new motto. Or at least one of them.

It's a numbers game

Can you tell I'm on vacation and more or less rained in? It's not actually raining right now but it may as well be because it's mid-July and the sun's not shining. This morning it was raining and the wind has been howling much of today. It's days like today that I really wish we had a fireplace and that I had a good book to curl up with. Instead, I turn to you. Or blogging at least.

Today could have been a special day. Well, really, every day is. That's a lesson I've come to learn in the last 26+ years. Every day is a gift. I've met some incredible people along the way who've helped affirm and re-affirm this. Alas, I digress...today could have been a special day. Or so the numbers and Dr. Mario say.

7.14.11.

I don't know if my old roommate, Kimbo, will read this but this one's for her. In my very last semester at BYU-Idaho as a senior Senior on the brink of graduation, I had the great opportunity of living with some extraordinary women including Kimbo, a sweet Southern girl with an accent that could cut through the hardest heart and a spirit that matched her southern drawl's sincerity and sweetness. Though Kimbo had found the love of her life and was in wedding planning mode, unlike many fiancees I'd been around (sadly myself included), she didn't lose sight of her friends and spent many a day and night making memories and causing raucous laughter at Albion house.

One night, when I probably should have been sleeping or studying, I started playing our other roommate Christi Cox's (Coxy) Nintendo. Not just any gaming console but the ORIGINAL Nintendo. That particular summer I became a Dr. Mario addict. I'd challenge roommate after roommate to game after game. This night it was Kimbo on the floor. After playing well into the night, watching the clock's hours turn from double digits to single digits, Kimbo and I stopped competing and I decided to take on the computer at the highest level.

As I failed time after time, I started making wagers with the Nintendo Gods (I imagine they have raccoon tails and carry Duck Hunter guns) with Kimbo as my witness. Like any well educated, reasonable girl, I started proposing wedding dates based on my ability to master the hardest level at that particular turn. "Kimbo, if I win this time, I'm getting married August 8, 2010." I'd say at least a half dozen or maybe a dozen dates were thrown out before I actually won. And it definitely didn't turn out to be the day I actually got married. In fact, at that time I hadn't even started dating Sterling (although I had already met him).

Isn't that the way life goes? Okay, that example's a little extreme and probably a result of it being 3 or 4 in the morning but I find that we can't really plan life's grandest events exactly. I didn't know then that in just over six months I would be married to the love of my life. I couldn't have guessed that in a million years. First of all, I was always the slow one to trust and really let my walls fall down. Second of all, at that time I was just over a month away from graduating from BYU-Idaho (aka BYU-I-Do for many) and moving back to a place I'd spent years being single. In the back of my head, that plea to the Nintendo Gods and anyone who'd listen was pure fantasy. But unbeknownst to me, it became a reality much sooner than I'd anticipated.

Now that Sterling and I are happily married and approaching our two year mark, it seems more of life's grandest events are just around the corner and as much as I can try to plan for them, some are just going to come and some might not. That's the great challenge and joy of life. We can't expect every little thing to unfold as we please. As we try to map out parenthood, future job prospects, when/where we'll buy a home, setting a timeline is well and good but not necessarily something I or the Nintendo Gods can control.

I do know that there is someone who knows and has control though. I'm so thankful my Heavenly Father has a plan for me and us, and am so glad to know He's a way better planner than I could ever be. But boy would I ever love to take a peek at His blueprints for my life. I've never been one to skip ahead to the end of a mystery novel just to see who'd actually 'done it' but I have been known to frequent the Big Brother web sites just to find out who's nominated before the episode is actually aired. There's a big part of me that wants to know what's next and when will it be here? There again is another joy of life. We don't know.

We live the day-to-day trying to do our best and sometimes fall very short. We can plan, budget, worry and work, but we can't anticipate every turn in the path we're taking. Sometimes we lose sight of the path and sometimes we find a straight stretch we can see ahead for miles. The great key is that no matter where the path is leading, we're the ones walking it. We can choose whether to keep a steady pace or slow down for a while. We can choose to look back or forge ahead. That knowledge gives me great hope and helps me appreciate the journey that much more. No matter where we're going--when the kids will come, where they'll grow up, or what type of job Dad will be coming home from at the end of the day--I know I'll be walking the path at my pace and alongside my best friend.

Today was supposed to be a special day and it was. The Blue Jays are up 9-4 over the Yankees for one. And I've spent the entire day with Sterling. After a year that saw him move to Idaho to finish up his degree and a long playoff run that kept me away far more than either of us would like, it's moments like these that I really appreciate. Now if only the sun would make an appearance...maybe it's time to summon the Nintendo Gods. I could really use some bonding time with the Doctor.