Don’t curse the parking lot

As a kid, the song “Big Yellow Taxi” struck a chord with me. Maybe it’s strange but I feel like I’ve always carried a deep appreciation for what I have because I’ve also carried the feeling that it could be taken away at any time.

Those early years when Joni Mitchell’s words of wisdom resonated with me I was conversely confused by the saying “if you love someone let them go.” I think my mom used that on me when I wanted to keep my pet caterpillars in the house. At any rate, I remember thinking I much preferred playing with my caterpillars and showing my love that way rather than letting them go into the world.

My view of caterpillars changed after an unfortunate experience in the woods. I had been helping my uncle forage for all sorts of plants and herbs in the woods in Victoria. We’d driven his jeep out to the woods and after returning home, somebody in my family (I’ve blocked out the exact events) told me I had caterpillars in my ear. Sure enough, it turns out I’d walked into a nest of caterpillars or something and they’d relocated to my ear.

I digress. My view of caterpillars has changed but my view on not taking things for granted hasn’t. My life experiences have continually reaffirmed these feelings.

In my teenage years, boy did I long to get away. I would dream every night of making it big with one of my bands (4-eva..can’t believe we didn’t make it). If not music, I dreamed of playing NCAA field hockey for Duke or the Tar Heels. When I graduated, plans shifted but they still involved getting away. Calgary, AB, seemed like the best fit. A big city with lots of Mormons. And better yet. I’d be moving out there with my best friends.

Since it was our first time really away from home, our parents came out to see us off. It was a disaster at first. Kristy, Lisa and I were all living in different places. Lisa and Kris in the new residence buildings and I was stuck in some trashy, OLD residence. Thankfully my dad put his foot down and managed to work with the other parents to get us all in the same place.

It seemed like the transition would be easy. I was realizing my dream of leaving home while still having the luxury of spending most waking moments with my BFFs. The instant my mom’s van pulled away, the tears came. My friends and I consoled each other. I was surprised by my reaction. Despite my belief that you should never take anything for granted, I’d completely taken my family for granted.

Maybe it’s a rite of passage. Most teenagers probably prefer their parents have little to do with them. I imagine many of us eventually go through that same rude awakening either through change or tragedy.

That’s just one of many experiences I’ve had: realizing that against my best intentions, I’d started taking someone or something for granted. Sometimes it’s something really important, like family. Sometimes it’s something as simple as hot water when I turn on the tap.

There are so many things I have to be grateful for. So many things I can take for granted with too much ease. This has been on my mind a lot lately.

So I guess this ramble amounts to me putting in print my resolve to not take things for granted. I’ll try to treasure the moment. The magic. The mundane. I know I’ll disregard something without even trying but nobody’s perfect. Even I won’t take that for granted.

Late nights, early mornings

I don't know how many Emerson Drive fans there are out there but one of their songs is often on repeat in my head...especially late at night...it goes something like "I should be sleeping, 'stead of keeping these late hours I've been keeping".

And still, I don't let myself fall asleep until the clock's at least turned to tomorrow. I'm positive I'll regret not sleeping more now, when we have kids. I'll look back at these nights of opportunity and curse my foolishness. If only you could stock up on sleep. My early teens would have set me at least for my first year of University.

This week, there was a lot going on. There were three hockey games in five days, a concert I briefly worked at and a night of laundry and my favourite show, Criminal Minds. Thankfully I didn't have a hockey game to play in this week or else it really would have been a crazy week.

In the midst of the craziness, I did find time to dream. In my sleep too, no less. Twice this week I dreamed of some of my favourite people in the world (yes, I mean you and a few other people...). The first dream I was back in Rexburg, ID, and came across the apartment of real-life former roommates Kristy (Symes now), Lisa (Smith now) and Wendy (Plummer now) as well as a dear friend, Annamieke. Sterling and I somehow got separated and as I was wandering the streets to find him, I stumbled across their apartment.

I just remember feeling so happy to see them. I knew a lot had changed but at the core, we were still dear friends. At some point there was also a yellow lab cameo in my dream, which made it that much cooler.

I essentially dreamed of the same 'cast' of characters (yellow lab included) the following night and again awoke with a sense of nostalgia and great love and appreciation for the amazing friends I've been blessed with in my life. I don't know what those back-to-back dreams mean, if anything. Probably that I miss my friends and should see them soon. I'll buy that.

For now..sweet dreams. Hopefully that familiar crew comes for a visit again tonight. Until we meet again.

Hi, my name is....

When I was in a high school a new rapper on the scene released the song “My Name Is.” The lyrics got dirtier by verse (thank goodness for radio edits) but man did it have a catchy hook. In more or less words, he told the world his name was Slim Shady.

Funny thing is, over a decade later and that guy is better known as Eminem. As far as I can remember, he’s always been better known as Eminem in the music industry.

The reason that I bring this up is that lately there’s been some debate in the U.S. about ‘Mormons’ (members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) and whether or not they can call themselves Christians.

I just googled the definition of Christian and the first hit was:

A person who has received Christian baptism or is a believer in Jesus Christ and his teachings.

I was raised as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and can say I’m definitely a believer in Jesus Christ and His teachings. I am so far from perfect but I believe in Christ, I love my Savior and I know that He paid the ultimate price so that I might one day have the chance to return to my Heavenly Father. I’ve read the teachings of Christ in the Old Testament, New Testament and Book of Mormon since I was a little munchkin so yes, I believe I fit in the definition of being a Christian.

Really though, what does it matter? Protestant, Baptist, Catholic, Mormon—these terms that define a different type of Christian. We all believe in our Savior. Sure sometimes we have different approaches but at the heart of it, we all believe in Jesus Christ.

Every Sunday as I’ve taken the Sacrament this year, I’ve made it a habit to read out of the New Testament. Today I happened to be in Mark in Chapter 9 where it read:

38 ¶And John answered him, saying, Master, we saw one ^acasting out devils in thy name, and he followeth not us: and we forbad him, because he followeth not us.

39 But Jesus said, Forbid him not: for there is no man which shall do a ^amiracle in my ^bname, that can lightly speak evil of me.

40 For he that is not against us is ^aon our part.

41 For whosoever shall give you a cup of water to drink in my name, because ye belong to Christ, verily I say unto you, he shall not ^alose his ^breward.

John, a beloved apostle of Jesus Christ, shared a legitimate concern of his to the Savior. Somebody was claiming to be performing miracles in the name of Jesus Christ. This person was not one of Christ’s twelve apostles and didn’t follow them so John felt he shouldn’t be using the Savior’s name to perform miracles.

The Savior clarified then what I believe now. If they’re not against us, they’re with us.

Joseph Smith outlined our beliefs in 1842 in a letter to John Wentworth, a newspaper editor, and I believe that what he said then rings true today. In this case, it’s the 11^th Article of Faith that applies here:

We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.

I have great respect for anyone who believes in something. I have greater respect for those who believe in something that helps them want to be better, kinder and more charitable every day—and they actually live it.

What I don’t respect is people trying to put others down for their beliefs. Whether in middle school or religion, it’s never right to blow out another’s candle so yours might grow brighter.

Last week, a religious figure in the U.S. called the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints a cult. That’s not the first I’ve heard that term used in association with my religion and it probably won’t be the last. To be honest, it doesn’t offend me.

Thanks to another google search, I just found this top hit for the definition of cult:

1. A system of religious veneration and devotion directed toward a particular figure or object.
2. A relatively small group of people having religious beliefs or practices regarded by others as strange or sinister.

Um..yeah..I have extreme respect for God and Jesus Christ for that matter. Do they qualify as ‘figures’? For that second part of the definition…does more than 10 million qualify as a small group?

Call me a Mormon, a Latter-day Saint, a member of a cult. Who cares? I believe in Jesus Christ. I know who I am. I know God’s plan. I’ll follow Him in faith.

Marshall Mathers called himself Slim Shady, Eminem and even Jimmy ‘B-Rabbit’ Smith (well, he played him in a movie—loosely based on his own life). Either way he was still a skinny, white rapper from Detroit. What’s in a name?

I can only imagine...

Do you ever stop to wonder, is this my life? As a teen I wrote a song that starts with that line. As I’ve grown older, I’ve thought more and more about it. Sometimes I do—stop to wonder. Somehow I think I’m not the only one.

Recently a friend of mine has gone through a divorce. I remember one day that friend told me they never imagined their life turning out like this. I’d like to think nobody approaches any marriage thinking it will end in divorce. I think there are probably many things we don’t ever imagine experiencing.

I’ve been mulling over this idea for months now. I never imagined my life being like this. In a million years I couldn’t have imagined myself being so blessed. I have an amazing husband who loves me so completely and is a better man than I ever thought I could find or deserve. I have a full-time job in an industry that has captivated me for most of my life and it has allowed Sterling and I to live comfortably despite him not being able to work while we wait for his paperwork to be finalized. I have some tremendous friends I know I could count on for anything whether it’s help battling a crisis or tackling an adventure. I speak to and/or see my parents regularly and as the years have passed, I’ve finally recognized how much of a blessing that is. My body isn’t perfect but it allows me to go for runs with my husband and play sports regularly. I know that’s a huge blessing just to have an able body. I battled with my body much of my life but think I’m finally coming to terms with the extra weight it likes to carry. It lets me run, skate, eat, breathe and wrap my arms around my loved ones. For that, I am grateful.

I really do feel so blessed. I’m afraid of coming across as a braggart but would be remiss to not openly express my gratitude for the blessings I know my loving Heavenly Father has given me. I don’t for a second take any of it for granted. I know life can get hard. Really hard. I’ve been blessed to see that up close and personally and am even more blessed to have made it through and learned from those hard experiences.

I’ve also been in close proximity of dear friends and loved ones going through really hard experiences. Sometimes I think it’s harder to watch a loved one get blindsided by a hard time than to go through it firsthand.

And that’s life. Whether it’s vicarious or firsthand, we’re here to gain experience and in turn, experience joy. Sometimes the road to the latter can just feel too long and full of obstacles though.

This is my life. I have an idea of where I want it to go but know that there are other factors that can steer it in different directions. I’ll keep making goals and choices to try to lead to the life I’d like to have but know full and well that when we least expect it, life can turn out so different than we ever imagined. And sometimes that’s the greatest blessing of all.

You were always on my mind....

Lately I’ve been trying to wrap my head around mental illness. Ironic, I know. Something that exists in that small, wonderful but at times troubled space for so many, I thankfully cannot comprehend.

Life’s been a challenge at times. Certainly there have been ups and downs. I cannot think of a time that a darkness has consumed me though. Self hatred and doubt have come to call in my life but never hung around.

For that I feel blessed.

I have family members who have battled mental illness and I admit at times I’ve approached it with ignorance rather than acceptance. Maybe it’s a protective mechanism. If I don’t acknowledge or embrace that part of them, it won’t be there. But it is. And it will be there. Whether we talk about it or talk around it.

I remember in my final semester of university taking Adult Psychology. One of the subjects we spent some time on was depression and mental illness in adults. My professor was of the school of thought that depression was highly over diagnosed. He prescribed to the idea that from his experience as a counselor, his patients seeking help to overcome depression needed to find balance in their diet, exercise routine, sleep patterns and charitable efforts. He felt that the presence of those four variables in balance would help alleviate depression.

Seems simple. I don’t think it is. If it was that cut and dry, I don’t believe I’d be writing this, mulling over the monsters of mental illness. Were it that simple, I don’t think people with seemingly so much promise would fall so far they felt their only out was escaping mortality.

In the last month I’ve spent a significant amount of time reading about mental illness. Hearing the accounts of those who have battled it. I still don’t understand it but think I’m getting closer.

I think that’s a start. I found from some readings on my church’s web site that the biggest thing loved ones of those battling depression and mental illness can do is love, support and don’t judge. I cringe as I recall times I’ve thought “Why can’t they just snap out of it?” Because there is no magic switch. Not yet at least.

The best line I’ve found is in an article I read on lds.org. It sums up the ‘snap out of it’ approach. We wouldn’t say that to a cancer patient. Likewise we shouldn’t apply it to those suffering mental illnesses. Like with cancer, there are treatments and approaches to overcoming depression and mental illness but there’s no cure. Yet.

From what I’ve read, depression brings a feeling of hopelessness. There is a never-ending search for self-blame. Those who suffer may seem to have a world of opportunity before them but they’re stuck trying to look behind and find a reason for the hurt that surrounds them.

That darkness. I can’t imagine it. Seeking for a truth that doesn’t exist must be exhausting. Damaging sometimes beyond repair. Is it because we’re of a society of justice—an eye for and eye? A felon deserves jail time because they broke the law. A person suffering through mental illness tries to justify their agony for some past wrong. But there isn’t one. Nobody deserves that cloud of despair as a constant companion.

Shamefully I’ve tried to find reasons too. They’re feeling that way because they did this or that. This train of thought needs to end. The more we, as a whole, seek to understand and empathize the better off everyone will be. Why waste energy seeking someone or something to place the blame? Spend energy learning to be patient, loving and supportive.

It’s easy to say but I know I fall into the trappings of just wanting happiness to be the presiding authority in the lives of all those I love. It can be, I believe. With time, I believe those far more gifted than I will find the right medications to help repair chemical imbalances and other factors that help result in mental illness. Support systems will be more supportive and less cynical. Maybe one day we’ll get to the point where we can look back at mental illness because we once took the time to look it in the face.

Until that day, I hope to employ a thought that is as powerful to me today as it was when I first heard it as a teenager: look for the good in others rather than seeking out the bad. We don’t know the inner workings of our neighbors. Don’t be quick to judge but be fast to love.

The same man who taught me that also said: “Do not be discouraged because you cannot learn all at once; learn one thing at a time, learn it well, and treasure it up, then learn another truth and treasure that up.”

I don’t understand depression or most mental illnesses. I want to though. I want the pain and suffering of so many to end. So I’ll learn one thing at a time and hope others will join the crusade so that one day we can look back at those monsters, and ahead to full lives of realized opportunities.

Wake me up...when September ends.

Ever since Green Day came out with that single, it's been a mainstay in my transitioning from my favourite season--summer--to my least favourite season--fall. Maybe it's because my entire life September has meant heightened workloads and in turn, stress. From 1989-2002 it was school. Then when I started university in 2003 it was more school. Naturally, I started working towards being a teacher--couldn't stay away from the fall blahs. Then I ended up at a job that CRUSHES you in September. Glutton for punishment I guess.

I think the hardest part about fall in the Northwest is getting used to more darkness and rain. Not a fan of either...

This fall I've tried to make the best of it. Taylor Swift coming to Vancouver didn't hurt. Me and my good friend Michelle got tickets and had the best time! We had really good seats and Taylor put on a great show.




That whole week was pretty great. Sterling had been out of town at his younger brother's wedding the previous weekend--Labour Day weekend. While he was in South Carolina, I stayed home to soak up as much sun as possible while I did some work from home. I wish I'd been able to make it to South Carolina but was so glad Sterling got to see his brothers and parents. And meet his new sister Amy!





Speaking of sisters named Amy...the Monday after Sterling got back, my sister Amy and her family came over to Vancouver. Cousins from California also happened to be in town so we all got together for a barbecue at Auntie Jan and Uncle Al's. Such a great night! The big kids (me, Sterling and our cousin Andrea) got in some trampoline action with the little ones (Josh, Avalayne, Jade and Elizabeth).



We had good food and great company. I'm always reminded of how much I love my family when I spend time with them. I remember as a kid discussing adulthood with my cousin Leanne. We didn't understand how our parents didn't spend any time with their cousins. Much of our childhood summers were spent together. We would often talk about how we wouldn't let that change. So far we've done pretty well at staying in touch. Sterling and I love hanging out with Leanne and her family. It's always a treat when her husband Mike gets time off work to come up to Canada for games and good times. One of our favourite games, Rook, is great at bringing family together (although sometimes it pulls us apart).

We love hanging out with all of our cousins. Later in that week we had an awesome time playing games with our cousins Jeff and Heleena while they visited from California. It's such a treat any time Heleena's around. She's awesome and always down for a good games night and has perfected Grammie's recipe for Lazy Daisy cake.

I can't imagine life without my family. We're all different yet share some key commonalities. One of the common threads I find is a love for competition. I think we come by it naturally. I remember as a kid loving the back closet at Grammie's house. It was packed to the brim with boardgames. During the day us cousins would play those games--Sorry, Clue, Ratrace, Monopoly and more. At night, the adults would pull out Rook. I never understood the game or the appeal as a kid. My how things have changed.

I hope we can continue that tradition of wholesome fun with our own kids. Time will tell.

Summer Lovin'

September is here. It's hard to believe that 'summer' flew by so fast. Summer--I hardly knew you! Weather has been a major topic of discussion since June here in the Northwest...mostly because sunshine and somewhat hot temperatures uncharacteristically never really made an appearance.

Thankfully there were moments of summer though..like on my little sister's wedding day. Her wedding was outside and Sterling and I were in the wedding party. So grateful it was sunny but not too hot.

That same weekend we got to spend some time with some dear friends. We had dinner with our friends Annamieke and Aaron. They actually rode some sweet cruisers down to the restaurant and kindly let us take a ride around the streets of downtown Duncan, BC. We love hanging out with Mieke and Aaron and wish the visits weren't so few and far between.




Aaron and Sterling actually raced us home afterwards. They took the bikes. We took the car. We only beat them by about a minute. Those were some wheels! After the bike ride, another friend, Kristy, met up with us even though she'd had a crazy long week. We all walked/rode (only two bikes) to Wal Mart for snacks. It almost felt like we were back in middle school all over again. It sure was great to see them and play cards and chat into the wee hours of the morning. What wasn't so cool was getting to my mom's and being locked out after. Nobody answered our knocks so we just drove right to the ferry to head back to Vancouver..at 3 a.m.

The following weekend we planned to return to Vancouver Island for more adventures. Unfortunately we weren't the only ones with that plan. There were crazy sailing waits. So we decided to go on our own adventure on the mainland...

We paddled from Pitt Meadows to Widgeon Creek Campsite. We saw a ton of herons along the way. It was a really pretty paddle. We ended up meeting a really nice newlywed couple once we got to the campsite--Sean and Chantel. They were the only ones there when we arrived and we found out they didn't have any firewood. We'd brought a bundle so when it came time to make a fire we asked if they wanted to join us. We ended up chatting until 2 a.m. Who knows if we'll ever see them again but we sure had a great night shooting the breeze.




After a late night we woke up to hike to a nearby waterfall. The bugs were incredible! We ended up running most of the way there and back just to avoid the pestering black flies. Once we got there, Sterling bravely made his way to the top of the falls. It was a great trip!




That was sort of our last hoorah for the summer before life got back to 'normal'. In all our adventures we hadn't been able to spend too much time with our good friends, the Johnsons. We quickly rectified that on the Monday. The four of us got together and went out for some Chinese food. The real adventure started after when Michelle and I made a blueberry pie. Michelle made the best crust I've ever had (sorry Grammie)! Afterwards she admitted it was her first pie. Thanks to cooking shows I guess!


As we waited for the pie to bake, we all played a game of Rook--girls against boys. The very first hand, the boys pulled off an amazing 300 hand. That means they didn't lose a single trick the entire hand. Michelle and I were a little suspicious because the boys had dealt while we were finishing up in the kitchen. Brandon had the best hand I'd ever seen (sorry Leanne). Apparently they didn't rig it though.

Michelle and I pulled off a huge comeback though and ended up winning the game. In the very last hand, Sterling thought he had us. He played a card he thought would win but Michelle actually had a better card. After the game was over and we'd won, Sterling recounted how he'd been feeling when he played that card. He even had a victory dance ready for the moment--he showed it to us after.



The next night, Sterling and I went to the Josh Groban concert at Rogers Arena. I was able to get four tickets and invited our cousin Michelle to come. We had a great time. Sterling had to come late because he had a church meeting but we both got to see one of our favourite songs "You Raise Me Up". Josh Groban was really funny--self described as neurotic. He spoke so fast and was quite witty. Sterling especially loved that when asked what he would choose as his life's theme song he said the song from Star Wars. It was the perfect end to a great summer!