You were always on my mind....

Lately I’ve been trying to wrap my head around mental illness. Ironic, I know. Something that exists in that small, wonderful but at times troubled space for so many, I thankfully cannot comprehend.

Life’s been a challenge at times. Certainly there have been ups and downs. I cannot think of a time that a darkness has consumed me though. Self hatred and doubt have come to call in my life but never hung around.

For that I feel blessed.

I have family members who have battled mental illness and I admit at times I’ve approached it with ignorance rather than acceptance. Maybe it’s a protective mechanism. If I don’t acknowledge or embrace that part of them, it won’t be there. But it is. And it will be there. Whether we talk about it or talk around it.

I remember in my final semester of university taking Adult Psychology. One of the subjects we spent some time on was depression and mental illness in adults. My professor was of the school of thought that depression was highly over diagnosed. He prescribed to the idea that from his experience as a counselor, his patients seeking help to overcome depression needed to find balance in their diet, exercise routine, sleep patterns and charitable efforts. He felt that the presence of those four variables in balance would help alleviate depression.

Seems simple. I don’t think it is. If it was that cut and dry, I don’t believe I’d be writing this, mulling over the monsters of mental illness. Were it that simple, I don’t think people with seemingly so much promise would fall so far they felt their only out was escaping mortality.

In the last month I’ve spent a significant amount of time reading about mental illness. Hearing the accounts of those who have battled it. I still don’t understand it but think I’m getting closer.

I think that’s a start. I found from some readings on my church’s web site that the biggest thing loved ones of those battling depression and mental illness can do is love, support and don’t judge. I cringe as I recall times I’ve thought “Why can’t they just snap out of it?” Because there is no magic switch. Not yet at least.

The best line I’ve found is in an article I read on lds.org. It sums up the ‘snap out of it’ approach. We wouldn’t say that to a cancer patient. Likewise we shouldn’t apply it to those suffering mental illnesses. Like with cancer, there are treatments and approaches to overcoming depression and mental illness but there’s no cure. Yet.

From what I’ve read, depression brings a feeling of hopelessness. There is a never-ending search for self-blame. Those who suffer may seem to have a world of opportunity before them but they’re stuck trying to look behind and find a reason for the hurt that surrounds them.

That darkness. I can’t imagine it. Seeking for a truth that doesn’t exist must be exhausting. Damaging sometimes beyond repair. Is it because we’re of a society of justice—an eye for and eye? A felon deserves jail time because they broke the law. A person suffering through mental illness tries to justify their agony for some past wrong. But there isn’t one. Nobody deserves that cloud of despair as a constant companion.

Shamefully I’ve tried to find reasons too. They’re feeling that way because they did this or that. This train of thought needs to end. The more we, as a whole, seek to understand and empathize the better off everyone will be. Why waste energy seeking someone or something to place the blame? Spend energy learning to be patient, loving and supportive.

It’s easy to say but I know I fall into the trappings of just wanting happiness to be the presiding authority in the lives of all those I love. It can be, I believe. With time, I believe those far more gifted than I will find the right medications to help repair chemical imbalances and other factors that help result in mental illness. Support systems will be more supportive and less cynical. Maybe one day we’ll get to the point where we can look back at mental illness because we once took the time to look it in the face.

Until that day, I hope to employ a thought that is as powerful to me today as it was when I first heard it as a teenager: look for the good in others rather than seeking out the bad. We don’t know the inner workings of our neighbors. Don’t be quick to judge but be fast to love.

The same man who taught me that also said: “Do not be discouraged because you cannot learn all at once; learn one thing at a time, learn it well, and treasure it up, then learn another truth and treasure that up.”

I don’t understand depression or most mental illnesses. I want to though. I want the pain and suffering of so many to end. So I’ll learn one thing at a time and hope others will join the crusade so that one day we can look back at those monsters, and ahead to full lives of realized opportunities.

Wake me up...when September ends.

Ever since Green Day came out with that single, it's been a mainstay in my transitioning from my favourite season--summer--to my least favourite season--fall. Maybe it's because my entire life September has meant heightened workloads and in turn, stress. From 1989-2002 it was school. Then when I started university in 2003 it was more school. Naturally, I started working towards being a teacher--couldn't stay away from the fall blahs. Then I ended up at a job that CRUSHES you in September. Glutton for punishment I guess.

I think the hardest part about fall in the Northwest is getting used to more darkness and rain. Not a fan of either...

This fall I've tried to make the best of it. Taylor Swift coming to Vancouver didn't hurt. Me and my good friend Michelle got tickets and had the best time! We had really good seats and Taylor put on a great show.




That whole week was pretty great. Sterling had been out of town at his younger brother's wedding the previous weekend--Labour Day weekend. While he was in South Carolina, I stayed home to soak up as much sun as possible while I did some work from home. I wish I'd been able to make it to South Carolina but was so glad Sterling got to see his brothers and parents. And meet his new sister Amy!





Speaking of sisters named Amy...the Monday after Sterling got back, my sister Amy and her family came over to Vancouver. Cousins from California also happened to be in town so we all got together for a barbecue at Auntie Jan and Uncle Al's. Such a great night! The big kids (me, Sterling and our cousin Andrea) got in some trampoline action with the little ones (Josh, Avalayne, Jade and Elizabeth).



We had good food and great company. I'm always reminded of how much I love my family when I spend time with them. I remember as a kid discussing adulthood with my cousin Leanne. We didn't understand how our parents didn't spend any time with their cousins. Much of our childhood summers were spent together. We would often talk about how we wouldn't let that change. So far we've done pretty well at staying in touch. Sterling and I love hanging out with Leanne and her family. It's always a treat when her husband Mike gets time off work to come up to Canada for games and good times. One of our favourite games, Rook, is great at bringing family together (although sometimes it pulls us apart).

We love hanging out with all of our cousins. Later in that week we had an awesome time playing games with our cousins Jeff and Heleena while they visited from California. It's such a treat any time Heleena's around. She's awesome and always down for a good games night and has perfected Grammie's recipe for Lazy Daisy cake.

I can't imagine life without my family. We're all different yet share some key commonalities. One of the common threads I find is a love for competition. I think we come by it naturally. I remember as a kid loving the back closet at Grammie's house. It was packed to the brim with boardgames. During the day us cousins would play those games--Sorry, Clue, Ratrace, Monopoly and more. At night, the adults would pull out Rook. I never understood the game or the appeal as a kid. My how things have changed.

I hope we can continue that tradition of wholesome fun with our own kids. Time will tell.

Summer Lovin'

September is here. It's hard to believe that 'summer' flew by so fast. Summer--I hardly knew you! Weather has been a major topic of discussion since June here in the Northwest...mostly because sunshine and somewhat hot temperatures uncharacteristically never really made an appearance.

Thankfully there were moments of summer though..like on my little sister's wedding day. Her wedding was outside and Sterling and I were in the wedding party. So grateful it was sunny but not too hot.

That same weekend we got to spend some time with some dear friends. We had dinner with our friends Annamieke and Aaron. They actually rode some sweet cruisers down to the restaurant and kindly let us take a ride around the streets of downtown Duncan, BC. We love hanging out with Mieke and Aaron and wish the visits weren't so few and far between.




Aaron and Sterling actually raced us home afterwards. They took the bikes. We took the car. We only beat them by about a minute. Those were some wheels! After the bike ride, another friend, Kristy, met up with us even though she'd had a crazy long week. We all walked/rode (only two bikes) to Wal Mart for snacks. It almost felt like we were back in middle school all over again. It sure was great to see them and play cards and chat into the wee hours of the morning. What wasn't so cool was getting to my mom's and being locked out after. Nobody answered our knocks so we just drove right to the ferry to head back to Vancouver..at 3 a.m.

The following weekend we planned to return to Vancouver Island for more adventures. Unfortunately we weren't the only ones with that plan. There were crazy sailing waits. So we decided to go on our own adventure on the mainland...

We paddled from Pitt Meadows to Widgeon Creek Campsite. We saw a ton of herons along the way. It was a really pretty paddle. We ended up meeting a really nice newlywed couple once we got to the campsite--Sean and Chantel. They were the only ones there when we arrived and we found out they didn't have any firewood. We'd brought a bundle so when it came time to make a fire we asked if they wanted to join us. We ended up chatting until 2 a.m. Who knows if we'll ever see them again but we sure had a great night shooting the breeze.




After a late night we woke up to hike to a nearby waterfall. The bugs were incredible! We ended up running most of the way there and back just to avoid the pestering black flies. Once we got there, Sterling bravely made his way to the top of the falls. It was a great trip!




That was sort of our last hoorah for the summer before life got back to 'normal'. In all our adventures we hadn't been able to spend too much time with our good friends, the Johnsons. We quickly rectified that on the Monday. The four of us got together and went out for some Chinese food. The real adventure started after when Michelle and I made a blueberry pie. Michelle made the best crust I've ever had (sorry Grammie)! Afterwards she admitted it was her first pie. Thanks to cooking shows I guess!


As we waited for the pie to bake, we all played a game of Rook--girls against boys. The very first hand, the boys pulled off an amazing 300 hand. That means they didn't lose a single trick the entire hand. Michelle and I were a little suspicious because the boys had dealt while we were finishing up in the kitchen. Brandon had the best hand I'd ever seen (sorry Leanne). Apparently they didn't rig it though.

Michelle and I pulled off a huge comeback though and ended up winning the game. In the very last hand, Sterling thought he had us. He played a card he thought would win but Michelle actually had a better card. After the game was over and we'd won, Sterling recounted how he'd been feeling when he played that card. He even had a victory dance ready for the moment--he showed it to us after.



The next night, Sterling and I went to the Josh Groban concert at Rogers Arena. I was able to get four tickets and invited our cousin Michelle to come. We had a great time. Sterling had to come late because he had a church meeting but we both got to see one of our favourite songs "You Raise Me Up". Josh Groban was really funny--self described as neurotic. He spoke so fast and was quite witty. Sterling especially loved that when asked what he would choose as his life's theme song he said the song from Star Wars. It was the perfect end to a great summer!